Caption This

Monday 07.19.2010 01:38PM

I have several possible captions:

“I know, can you bewieve it?”

“You know, lots of people go to college for ten years.”

“You can stop asking my mom about this now, Jean.”

“Purdue University should be replaced with ...ladies”

Feel free to add your own. :]

Tagged: life / finally
comments (21) | add to del.icio.us

Cornerstone 20Ten

Thursday 07.08.2010 01:55AM

I don't think I have blogged for several years about Cornerstone. I'm not sure why, it's one of my favorite things each year. This was my 14th year attending and it was a refreshing time. This was perhaps one of the best weather years. It was low 80s, breezy, no rain and at night it usually got down into the 60s. Usually there is rain at least one day, or temperatures in the 90s, or a tornado, or something. Not this year.

Switchfoot was really good. Hello, Hurricane is a great album so I enjoyed hearing some of those songs live. Skillet had a great live production with pyrotechnics and high energy. Timbre (harpist) is always enjoyable. The highlight of the week was on Thursday, seeing Christie DuPree, Dignan, Paper Route, Eisley, and Over the Rhine back-to-back at the Gallery stage.

I first saw (Moss) Eisley in 2002 at the Cornerstone New Band Showcase, at Cora's insistence. It's been an interesting chain of events since then. I met Mark Schwartzkopf shortly after that Cornerstone, because he was playing their EP while running sound at a local show. I booked Moss Eisley that November, had difficulties securing a venue, and then the show ultimately had to be cancelled due to some conflicts / miscommunications (I was pretty frustrated at the time, as you can read). I got involved helping the band get a better online forum, and then helped with the site in general. Years later the band was seeking a solid sound guy. Mark applied and listed me as a reference. I told them I was no pro, but I thought he did a great job. They hired him and they still work with him. In 2006 I was finally able to bring Eisley to Indianapolis. They're great people, making great music, and I wholeheartedly support them.

Thus it was pretty exciting that they were returning after 8 years to Cornerstone, where so many things “began” for them. Their set was great, a good mix of old and new songs, and the crowd loved them. The tent was 3/4 full, which is quite a good number of people at Cornerstone. The sound guy for Over the Rhine, and the band, were “blown away” apparently. That's quite a compliment coming from them, in my opinion. It was good to see the DuPrees again, meet new people, relive old memories (the whole show cancelling thing is just humorous now, looking back), and hear some great music.

I will probably have some more things to write, but I am le tired and thoughts are becoming disjointed.

Here are some pictures; not the best quality, just camera phone pictures. More on my Flickr.

Main Stage used to be here...

...but is now here.

Sundown, Monday night

Switchfoot

Skillet

Eisley!

Tagged: life / music / cornerstone
comments (4) | add to del.icio.us

The State of the gRegor

Wednesday 06.16.2010 04:00PM

I'm not doing very well. I have been consistently depressed for a while. Sometimes I feel like two different people, because I have times of genuine happiness, but they feel like distractions from the “core” and I always come back to feeling depressed. It's kind of nuts how quickly I can go from being very happy to being very low. The reason is I have dealt with sexual addiction for a looong time and I have a lot of shame from that. I really don't like myself as a result.

Last September I started to talk with a counselor at school since it was a free/affordable option. I was also going to a men's support group. I was successfully overcoming my addiction for several months. Then I failed, yet again. That pretty much took the wind out of my sails and I have just felt like I'm getting more and more depressed over time. I haven't had the will or the energy to try to overcome the addiction again because, well, I've failed thousands of times before, why will one more time be any different? It's wearying to try and fail so many times.

I don't like myself for this apparent lack of self control in this area of my life. I don't like myself for the very perverted things I have put in my mind. I don't want to be this way.

I took a hiatus from the counselor and stopped going to the men's group. I was just so worn out and I didn't think it would be very helpful to go when it would just mean breaking down emotionally each time. Over the first several months of this year, the happy times did seem to last longer each time (a week, maybe two), but the depression was always around the corner and seemed to take me lower each time. I think the happy times only lasted longer because I was just becoming more numb.

About a month ago I decided to go back to the counselor. Not really out of any hope that it would help, but it seemed like something to do. We had a few sessions, but that time is up now because my counselor's practicum is ending. I really have no desire to start from scratch with someone new. The counselor tried to point out that the things I don't like about myself are only some aspects and they don't have to define me. We even went through a list of positive traits and talked about the ones I felt described me. I know there are good traits about me, but it seems nigh impossible for these things I don't like to not define me. It's as if they just overshadow everything else so much.

I honestly feel like I have no hope. I feel pretty hollow inside.

Despite the gRegorLove nickname, let's be honest: I have basically no experience with romantic relationships. I've generally been OK in my singleness, though of course I do deal with loneliness at times. I have tried to maintain a positive attitude, or at least not react externally from the negative attitudes (complaining). I have pursued those I have been interested in, but nothing has come close to working out. With my shame, I often wonder if this is what I deserve. Of course, I know that if I don't really like myself, then I'm not in a good place for a relationship anyway. That would be unhealthy and I wouldn't want to inflict that on someone in a romantic relationship.

It all feeds back on itself, like a continuous cycle. I'm left with a strong desire for a relationship. I know I can't really have that unless I like myself. I can't really like myself unless I overcome this addiction (or at least feel it's controllable / there is hope). I have no hope. I indulge in the addiction. I feel shame and I'm left with a strong desire for a relationship...

I know that I am a good friend. I wonder sometimes if that's what I'm meant to be, nothing more. Based on experience, that would seem to be the case. I'm loyal and reliable. I'm the “emotional safety net”, just not romantic relationship material. I have doubts whether I could be in love with someone and them truly be in love with me, not just trying to be.

I feel like my heart is too weak to find love anyway, that it cannot really come back from the depths it's at. Some people are stronger and can snap back. I don't think that's me. I wrote in my journal the other day “I wish my heart would just break for good, instead of trying to mend itself over and over.”

So yeah, that's the state of me.

Tagged: life
comments (7) | add to del.icio.us

Amusement with snow on Spring Break

Wednesday 04.14.2010 11:26PM

Life has really been wearing me out lately and thus not so great, but I don't really care to write about that at the moment. All is not terrible, though. I've had some fun experiences that I just haven't taken the time to sit down and write about. And there's pictures! Ooh.

MUSE is one of my favorite bands and I was able to see them in concert for the second time in March. The first time was Spring 2005 and that show floored me – probably tied for one of the best live shows I have seen. I had high expectations for this show since they've only gotten bigger (popularity-wise, not fatty-wise) and I had read a couple things about some “video towers” they would be playing on. They definitely did not disappoint.

On the stage were three towers probably 100 feet tall, with coverings that make them look like skyscrapers. As the show started, there was a video projection on all sides of the towers – people climbing stairs to the top. After a couple minutes of this, the climbers stopped and one-by-one started falling. Finally, the coverings fall off the towers and the band starts with “Uprising”. Each tower was a hydraulic platform on the bottom (that the band played on) and the top of the towers were suspended above them. Video played on all sides of the towers. Check out the video I took of it, along with some photos:

MUSE is awesome live, I definitely recommend seeing them. (I have many more photos on Flickr)

I enjoy skiing, but had not been in about 8 years. Dad and I were discussing it late last year and decided to go. Initially I was going to suggest a place in Indiana/Ohio, but he suggested we go for the “real deal”, so we decided to go to a real mountain and go skiing in Winter Park, Colorado. We did not intend it to work out this way, but the trip landed during Spring Break. We made a four-day weekend out of it, two days of skiing. For being out of shape, two days was just enough. I fell 4 or 5 times, most on the first day and nothing too bad. Once I actually took him down with me; he was just standing there and I didn't slow down enough/lost my balance or something. That gave some entertainment to the people on the ski lift overhead. That was the first day; I was semi-pro by the second day. :) We stuck to the green hills (beginner) and had a blast; some of the runs took 30-40 minutes to the bottom. We were as high as 11,700 feet. I intend to ski more regularly, even if just around Indiana.

I didn't get any pictures on the slopes (I wasn't going to bring my phone and destroy it in a fall), but did get some on the drive into the mountains.

Tagged: life / music / travel / photos
comment (1) | add to del.icio.us

Before and After

Wednesday 09.09.2009 12:04AM

Before:

After:

They're both pretty great in their own ways. I'll leave it to you to decide which is better.

Tagged: life / photos
comment (1) | add to del.icio.us

next »

supplements