The State of the gRegor

I'm not doing very well. I have been consistently depressed for a while. Sometimes I feel like two different people, because I have times of genuine happiness, but they feel like distractions from the “core” and I always come back to feeling depressed. It's kind of nuts how quickly I can go from being very happy to being very low. The reason is I have dealt with sexual addiction for a looong time and I have a lot of shame from that. I really don't like myself as a result.

Last September I started to talk with a counselor at school since it was a free/affordable option. I was also going to a men's support group. I was successfully overcoming my addiction for several months. Then I failed, yet again. That pretty much took the wind out of my sails and I have just felt like I'm getting more and more depressed over time. I haven't had the will or the energy to try to overcome the addiction again because, well, I've failed thousands of times before, why will one more time be any different? It's wearying to try and fail so many times.

I don't like myself for this apparent lack of self control in this area of my life. I don't like myself for the very perverted things I have put in my mind. I don't want to be this way.

I took a hiatus from the counselor and stopped going to the men's group. I was just so worn out and I didn't think it would be very helpful to go when it would just mean breaking down emotionally each time. Over the first several months of this year, the happy times did seem to last longer each time (a week, maybe two), but the depression was always around the corner and seemed to take me lower each time. I think the happy times only lasted longer because I was just becoming more numb.

About a month ago I decided to go back to the counselor. Not really out of any hope that it would help, but it seemed like something to do. We had a few sessions, but that time is up now because my counselor's practicum is ending. I really have no desire to start from scratch with someone new. The counselor tried to point out that the things I don't like about myself are only some aspects and they don't have to define me. We even went through a list of positive traits and talked about the ones I felt described me. I know there are good traits about me, but it seems nigh impossible for these things I don't like to not define me. It's as if they just overshadow everything else so much.

I honestly feel like I have no hope. I feel pretty hollow inside.

Despite the gRegorLove nickname, let's be honest: I have basically no experience with romantic relationships. I've generally been OK in my singleness, though of course I do deal with loneliness at times. I have tried to maintain a positive attitude, or at least not react externally from the negative attitudes (complaining). I have pursued those I have been interested in, but nothing has come close to working out. With my shame, I often wonder if this is what I deserve. Of course, I know that if I don't really like myself, then I'm not in a good place for a relationship anyway. That would be unhealthy and I wouldn't want to inflict that on someone in a romantic relationship.

It all feeds back on itself, like a continuous cycle. I'm left with a strong desire for a relationship. I know I can't really have that unless I like myself. I can't really like myself unless I overcome this addiction (or at least feel it's controllable / there is hope). I have no hope. I indulge in the addiction. I feel shame and I'm left with a strong desire for a relationship...

I know that I am a good friend. I wonder sometimes if that's what I'm meant to be, nothing more. Based on experience, that would seem to be the case. I'm loyal and reliable. I'm the “emotional safety net”, just not romantic relationship material. I have doubts whether I could be in love with someone and them truly be in love with me, not just trying to be.

I feel like my heart is too weak to find love anyway, that it cannot really come back from the depths it's at. Some people are stronger and can snap back. I don't think that's me. I wrote in my journal the other day “I wish my heart would just break for good, instead of trying to mend itself over and over.”

So yeah, that's the state of me.

❦

View responses or leave your own response

published June 16, 2010

Responses

Allison – June 16, 2010
I love you, Bro Montana. ::hug::

P.S. You are awesome. Even if you don't like you, I like you, and you know... I'm Allison. Do you know who I am? I'm the authority on these things.

Chin up. Don't waste your flava. I'm here for you if'n you need me.

Suzi – June 16, 2010
I don't want to sound cliche. I know that you know, and I do too, and sometimes it's still really difficult to wrap my head around it: No matter what we've thought, we've done, no matter how good or bad, we are all pathetic sinners, AND unbelievably cherished, by Him. It's so hard to think about sometimes, how Jesus died for us, how much we don't deserve it, and that is exactly His point. If we became perfect after we “got Jesus” then He wouldn't be needed anymore.

I'm not trying to gloss over the harshness of trying to overcome a brutal battle against sin; but don't forget this, what *I* see in you, constantly. You are an amazing person. You are unselfish. You are always trying to help. You listen, and truly concern yourself with the well being of others. You frequently appear to care more about others than yourself. You have an unbelievably loving heart. You stand up for justice, honesty, goodness and love. And you're a sinner. Just like the rest of us. You've just chosen to expose your flaws, while the rest of us try to hide our own. I find you to be incredibly brave and courageous in your fight.

I'd rather have you be the man slamming on his heart with his fist in the back of the temple, than the hypocrite up front who thinks they can do no wrong.

And one day, you won't have this fight anymore. And God will look on you and say well done. You FOUGHT the good fight. You haven't given up because you haven't stopped caring about trying to win the battle of the fallen. You care about trying to live right and that is what really counts - the intent of your heart.

It's strange how much of myself I found in your post, some of the same reasons and some different. I feel ashamed, weak, damaged beyond repair, helpless, lost, and desperately alone.

I wish I could make it better, for both of us. I don't know exactly how to help, but I will pray for you and I am here for you whenever and anytime. I love you, and I hope that God gives you the peace that you need.

<3 S.

Suzi – June 16, 2010
ps I struggle with what I'm meant to do also. I don't “fit” anywhere. I'm not old enough to give up on love, I'm not young enough to not be concerned (biological clock/motherhood in particular weighs heavily on me). I feel that the better of my years are passing me by and I won't have much left to offer anyone even if they do ever come along.

I may have had some experience with dating, but it's been 6 years of aloneness really. The little moments of anything have actually made it worse because the hope of love was stirred and that just made the pangs even worse in my heart.

So I'm sorry for rambling. But I am empathizing with you, big time, on the, “maybe I don't deserve love” type thought. I feel like maybe I've ruined my chances with wrong living and wrong choices for too many years before God was even in my life at all.

So I get it...I've pretty much given up hope, seeing “love” as some sort of lottery that I just never seem to win. I'm tired of trying. I'm worn out. I get where you're coming from, I think. I don't know what's right, to give up, to hope, or to try not to sway in either direction. It's almost impossible not to ever think about it. It consumes me at times and then I'm ashamed because it seems sinful.

But...at any rate, we're human. We're broken. But at least we have God and we have each other. And whatever I can do to help, I'm here.

Isha – June 16, 2010
I had another response typed up, but my words seem so imperfect.

Suzi's first comment is everything I want to say, said more elegantly. It made me cry. She is so right. In a world full of so much incompleteness, hopelessness and hurt, you're a beacon to everyone. I want you here with your faults, all of them. I know that when I struggle with sin or with hatred for myself you'll always be the first one to tell me to not let it consume me, that I'm more than all of my faults. This goes for you too, more so than me. You are good despite your darkness. As Sirius says, there is light and dark in all of us. You may choose to act on the dark, but your light is what makes this world better for everyone that knows you.

I love you and I'm sorry my words are inadequate. Suzi's words aren't. If you weren't you, I don't know where or what a lot of us would do. You're a core, you're the cheese, you're the gRegorlove. I love you, 3, bff.

JT – June 16, 2010
I echo what Isha said about Suzi's comment. They've both got it right. gRegor for the short time I've known you, it's been glaringly clear that you are one special individual. We all have our faults, but I urge you to keep fighting the good fight. This world of ours could use a lot more people like you to make it the place it was meant to be. I'll be praying that God grants you the graces you need to overcome your struggles. No one is more deserving...no one.

James – June 17, 2010
You have no idea who I am (and vice versa, really), but I'm praying for you.