Transparency

There have been several times that I have thought about writing this post, but I never did. I always hemmed and hawed over how to write it, and whether I should really post it for the world to see. I have decided that while this is a sensitive, personal issue, it is important for me to share, to be transparent.

I have battled with an addiction to pornography for about 17 years now. People will have different responses to this based on their worldview. Suffice it to say, my spiritual worldview tells me it is wrong, or “sin”. I understand if you think, “that's not a big deal, don't worry about it”, but to me it is a big deal. I do not desire to get into a discussion about differences of worldview.

I have been disgusted with myself so many times, and tried countless times to defeat it. I have had many periods of triumph, sometimes for many months at a time, but invariably I fail again. I try not to get too down on myself about it, but sometimes it is really discouraging. It is not healthy for myself or my relationships, and it objectifies women. I have so many images burned into my mind that I will probably never get rid of and I hate it. The utter lack of self-control it exhibits... ugh. If you ever wonder why I am gracious towards people (I hope I am considered gracious), it is probably because I feel so messed up myself – how could I not show grace for other people's mistakes?

I believe there is grace, mercy, and – somehow – a way out of this. I need to remind myself of these things constantly.

So there you have it. I'm being entirely transparent, for better or worse. This post isn't open for public comments, but feel free to use the contact page if you would like to send me a message. I am not really asking for anything, though. This is just a weight I needed to get off my chest – in effort to be real with people, to not be ruled by secrecy. If you are the praying type, prayers are appreciated. Positive, encouraging thoughts directed my way are welcome as well.