I'm not doing very well. I have been consistently depressed for a while. Sometimes I feel like two different people, because I have times of genuine happiness, but they feel like distractions from the “core” and I always come back to feeling depressed. It's kind of nuts how quickly I can go from being very happy to being very low. The reason is I have dealt with sexual addiction for a looong time and I have a lot of shame from that. I really don't like myself as a result.
Last September I started to talk with a counselor at school since it was a free/affordable option. I was also going to a men's support group. I was successfully overcoming my addiction for several months. Then I failed, yet again. That pretty much took the wind out of my sails and I have just felt like I'm getting more and more depressed over time. I haven't had the will or the energy to try to overcome the addiction again because, well, I've failed thousands of times before, why will one more time be any different? It's wearying to try and fail so many times.
I don't like myself for this apparent lack of self control in this area of my life. I don't like myself for the very perverted things I have put in my mind. I don't want to be this way.
I took a hiatus from the counselor and stopped going to the men's group. I was just so worn out and I didn't think it would be very helpful to go when it would just mean breaking down emotionally each time. Over the first several months of this year, the happy times did seem to last longer each time (a week, maybe two), but the depression was always around the corner and seemed to take me lower each time. I think the happy times only lasted longer because I was just becoming more numb.
About a month ago I decided to go back to the counselor. Not really out of any hope that it would help, but it seemed like something to do. We had a few sessions, but that time is up now because my counselor's practicum is ending. I really have no desire to start from scratch with someone new. The counselor tried to point out that the things I don't like about myself are only some aspects and they don't have to define me. We even went through a list of positive traits and talked about the ones I felt described me. I know there are good traits about me, but it seems nigh impossible for these things I don't like to not define me. It's as if they just overshadow everything else so much.
I honestly feel like I have no hope. I feel pretty hollow inside.
Despite the gRegorLove nickname, let's be honest: I have basically no experience with romantic relationships. I've generally been OK in my singleness, though of course I do deal with loneliness at times. I have tried to maintain a positive attitude, or at least not react externally from the negative attitudes (complaining). I have pursued those I have been interested in, but nothing has come close to working out. With my shame, I often wonder if this is what I deserve. Of course, I know that if I don't really like myself, then I'm not in a good place for a relationship anyway. That would be unhealthy and I wouldn't want to inflict that on someone in a romantic relationship.
It all feeds back on itself, like a continuous cycle. I'm left with a strong desire for a relationship. I know I can't really have that unless I like myself. I can't really like myself unless I overcome this addiction (or at least feel it's controllable / there is hope). I have no hope. I indulge in the addiction. I feel shame and I'm left with a strong desire for a relationship...
I know that I am a good friend. I wonder sometimes if that's what I'm meant to be, nothing more. Based on experience, that would seem to be the case. I'm loyal and reliable. I'm the “emotional safety net”, just not romantic relationship material. I have doubts whether I could be in love with someone and them truly be in love with me, not just trying to be.
I feel like my heart is too weak to find love anyway, that it cannot really come back from the depths it's at. Some people are stronger and can snap back. I don't think that's me. I wrote in my journal the other day “I wish my heart would just break for good, instead of trying to mend itself over and over.”
So yeah, that's the state of me.