I'm Worried

I was just thinking back over the last year. In July, I started to come out of a very dark time. I was hesitant to feel hopeful, but somehow I seemed to slowly step out of that and truly feel more at peace and have more hope. Thankfully, that has remained pretty steady since then.

I flipped through my journal looking for something to write about today and came across entries from this time last year. I wrote some pretty dark things, including wishing that I was not alive anymore. I blogged about this depression back in June, so feel free to read that post for more information.

As I wrote in that post, I would often feel like the good times were just a distraction from the “core” of depression. I always came back to that. This is why I was hesitant to feel hopeful, if all I was really doing was just distracting myself. Since July, though, I think I've truly believed it's not just a distraction.

I'm worried, though, because this funk I've been in the last several days has me thinking back to those dark times. I feel like they're still lurking under the surface. I truly hope that I have not been experiencing just some prolonged distraction. I do think I am in a better place than a year ago, or even 5 months ago, so that tells me it probably has not just been a distraction. However, I don't think that means everything is behind me or that I could not slip back into the darkness.

I would truly appreciate your prayers, positive thoughts, or whatever you feel you can offer.

❦

View responses or leave your own response

published November 15, 2010

Responses

Thursday's Child – November 15, 2010
Depression is a very scary thing. It's something with which I have struggled since I was about 9. I have been in and out of counselors' offices, on and off of anti-depressants (which really have only served to make me fat. Not that anti-depressants are the only reason for that, but they didn't help).

If you ever need someone to talk to about it, please don't hesitate to ask or IM me or Email me or whatever. I'll even give you my phone number.

Brooke – November 15, 2010
I don't think it's a coincidence that: 1.) I recently came to the same conclusion myself and have noticed hope and joy being a daily experience since this past summer, with it increasing each day 2.) that I got your letter today expressing the hopeful belief that the darkness is past 3.) that I went through a pretty dark weekend myself.

One of the things that made this weekend a bit hard was reading over past blogs/journals and reliving some of that darkness. As a result, I decided to get rid of some remnants of an ex boyfriend once and for all, and found myself unable to stop crying for most of the day on Saturday. I talked to God about it, concerned at the unexpected tears, especially when I felt I had truly moved on. secondly, the depression felt pretty heavy that day. the old feelings resurfaced and really frightened me.
I made a choice Saturday. I said “This will be the last time I cry over him, over the loss, over the past. i will no longer grieve this after today.”
I think some depression is our human response to grieving things are our lives. Things that used to be, but aren't anymore. Things that we had hoped would be and have never materialized. Grieving even who we are now. The spectrum of our emotions, especially when related to sadness, are intense and having come from depression and wanting to die for about 2 years, I think that allowing myself to cry, to feel sadness and to be in a funk (like this past weekend) is okay. I think the key is to allow yourself that, without becoming overwhelmed with fear that you are staring at the precipice of a dark pit again, on the verge of diving head first.

I would say that the more you dwell on the past darkness, the former things, the more that darkness will feel like it's overtaking you. Even having anxiety about it will magnify those feelings as well. Pray. Ask the Lord to restore the joy of your salvation. Read Psalm 126 and see yourself as the one coming back with joy, carrying sheaves of this harvest of “newness”, rather than the bag of seeds from the sorrow of the past.
Praying for you tonight.

Mark Burkitt – November 15, 2010
Loss will either enlarge the heart of the bereaved, increasing our capacity to feel both joy and sorrow, or cause it to shrink into itself to bitterness and despair. Depression is neither good nor bad, it merely serves to re-size the soul. Whether we emerge from the valley of the shadow broken, yet tender, or whole and hardened, the pain is real and will visit again and again. I have learned to call on the name of the Lord when the season of grief falls on me. He will continue to sustain me through it. He has yet to deliver me from it. He is my sufficiency.

Jess-lo – November 16, 2010
You're making it hard to say something funny. My mission in life is to make people smile, even when they don't feel like it.

So feel like it.

You are loved.

Isha – November 16, 2010
I'll say some prayers for you.
333333

– November 16, 2010
Thanks for the prayers and encouragement, everybody. It helped a lot, as did writing this post itself.