I was just thinking back over the last year. In July, I started to come out of a very dark time. I was hesitant to feel hopeful, but somehow I seemed to slowly step out of that and truly feel more at peace and have more hope. Thankfully, that has remained pretty steady since then.
I flipped through my journal looking for something to write about today and came across entries from this time last year. I wrote some pretty dark things, including wishing that I was not alive anymore. I blogged about this depression back in June, so feel free to read that post for more information.
As I wrote in that post, I would often feel like the good times were just a distraction from the “core” of depression. I always came back to that. This is why I was hesitant to feel hopeful, if all I was really doing was just distracting myself. Since July, though, I think I've truly believed it's not just a distraction.
I'm worried, though, because this funk I've been in the last several days has me thinking back to those dark times. I feel like they're still lurking under the surface. I truly hope that I have not been experiencing just some prolonged distraction. I do think I am in a better place than a year ago, or even 5 months ago, so that tells me it probably has not just been a distraction. However, I don't think that means everything is behind me or that I could not slip back into the darkness.
I would truly appreciate your prayers, positive thoughts, or whatever you feel you can offer.